Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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