Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
