Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
They took my balls.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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