Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
