I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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