worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Hippo gnu deer
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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