it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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