Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Randomize
