you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm like, not good at living.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
