Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
