I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
