I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
