Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
