Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
