I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
