Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
smell my finger.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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