Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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