Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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