what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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