Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
