Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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