I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
