No awkward lesbian experiences without me
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
