No awkward lesbian experiences without me
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
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