I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
