I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
