He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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