he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
