god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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