The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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