so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Randomize
