just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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