Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
