You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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