shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
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