The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
