If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
