If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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