Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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