Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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