You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
