just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
