just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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