so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
