Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
organizing the empties. That sober.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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