phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Randomize
