do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
