You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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