also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
