The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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