chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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