On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
